Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Fine, I'm Shallow Too

Right, I realize today that yesterday's post was harsh. I realize that men and women really aren't that much different. We all have been known to be shallow. We all want to love and be loved. I mean - just the other day - there I was at work at one of my jobs, and a lovely young paramedic fellow came in - as they often do with a patient, and admittedly - I ogled. I definitely checked him out. Now, I'm sure that he's a lovely person, and that he does have much to offer as a human being to a relationship. However, I was mostly interested in him - in a physical aspect. It would be hypocritical of me to say that I am not shallow as well as men. I just wanted to clear the air on that one. Men are not alone in their shallowness. So then, I guess my new question is - having established that we are all shallow human beings - what is love? I have thought many times that I had found love, only to discover that it's so often one-sided. Often, I think - maybe this one is worthy of my love. Funny how it's a different kind of man every time - no 2 have ever been alike. Well, maybe 2 of them were, but I can't really go there. So then, I think I've found one that's worthy of my love, and pour all my efforts into making it work, only to discover that I'm wasting my efforts, because that person has already made up his mind to not make it work. Which is really really stupid, however, we all have agency. I don't know, maybe I'm picking the wrong men? Maybe I just give my love too easily? People just take it for granted? I don't know. However, today and recently, in my prayers, and in my personal lessons from my Heavenly Father, I've been learning to love myself. I don't really need a man to make me feel self actualized. I can love myself. God loves me. I have friends that love me. I would so very much like to feel the kind of love that 2 people can have together in a relationship, however, if I can't have that, I'll live because I know I don't need it - however much I want it.

My posts are getting entirely too personal. However, if I can help anyone else out there suffering what I'm suffering - by all means - read.

*P.S. - Still would like to know very much if Johnny Lingo exists. If so, send him my picture, and phone number please*


Anonymous said...

If and when we can entirely love ourselves for who we are we will draw men in worth loving who also love us for who we are. We can't expect someone to not see the outwards stuff first, that's the only thing we have to go on in that instant 30 seconds.

Becky said...

Thanks my anonymous friend. :-)

Anonymous said...

Just a lurker weighing in...

I am torn between feeling this way and not... I'll explain: One one hand I struggle with weight - up & down about 60lbs. I know that when I am thinner, I date more and when I'm chubbier, I date less. Being the same person whatever I weigh, I've felt the same frustration.

But then I read an article that disturbed me. It was actually about the "Chick-Lit" movement - Bridgit Jones, Shopaholic, etc. It suggested that what appealed to women were the plain heroines: not-super-together women (out of shape, irresponisble with money, not abmitious, smoke too much, tactless...) who nevertheless believe that there's *just something special* about themselves. They blunder around until they're rescued from their lives of drudery by excellent men who have worked hard to distinguish themselves, they're intelligent, rich, attractive, etc. And these men just love the messy women in spite of the messiness... because of that *je ne sais quoi.*

The article disturbed me(a lot). Because I see myself reflected in those characters. So recently I've been taking myself out of the game, reasoning that I'm not really doing stuff to make myself accomplished right now ... and I want an accomplished guy... and like attracts like. But I don't think that's the solution either.

Not drawing a strong point here, but just wanted to say (lengthily, it appears) that I'm picking up what you're putting down (at least what you were putting down months & months ago).

- Lurker