Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here again, and everybody is eating Turkey, and yams, and spending time with family. I'm having dinner later today myself. I really look forward to those yams with the marshmallows my brother-in-law does. Also, the dressing - probably my favorite thing of all.

However, with all these Thanksgiving traditions (it's the same at Christmas), we often forget what the Holiday is for. Thanksgiving is a time where we enjoy the harvest, and the bounties that the earth has provided, and we thank the being that has provided for us. That being that provided everything for us is different for everybody - for there are many different belief systems in the world. I was asked to speak in church today on Gratitude in honor of the holiday. So, I'm going to share with you my talk as it was given - in a Mormon church, with very Mormon references and quotations. So, pretend you're in church listening to it. Also, let me know what you think....

GRATITUDE

I began preparing this talk by listing the things I was grateful for. The list included various levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, as well as some wants. The truth is, that we are all blessed with so much on this earth – and more especially in this country, and in this church than we ever take thought for. My list included things like...

Employment
A Place to live
Food to eat from the bounty of the earth
Clothes to Wear
Homeostasis
The Right to Vote and think freely
Living in a free country
My Family and Friends
My testimony
Scriptures to Learn from
Personal Revelation
A Hope for Something better
The Atonement and constant Love of our Saviour Jesus Christ

My list became longer, the longer I sat there and pondered, and so would each of ours if we really thought about it. I think if we sat in one spot and thought about what we have to be grateful for, we could probably sit there forever and the Lord would continually bring more and more to our remembrance of what we have been given.

We owe everything we have to him. Nothing that we have on this earth came from any other place than from our dear Father in Heaven who sent us here.

Brigham Young had much to say (as he always did) on the subject of gratitude...

“I do not know of any, excepting the unpardonable sin, that is greater than the sin of ingratitude”(DBY, 228).
“I might say something with regard to the hard times. You know that I have told you that if any one was afraid of starving to death, let him leave, and go where there is plenty. I do not apprehend the least danger of starving, for until we eat up the last mule, from the tip of the ear to the end of the fly whipper, I am not afraid of starving to death. There are many people who cannot now get employment, but the spring is going to open upon us soon, and we are not going to suffer any more than what is for our good. I am thankful for the hand of the Lord which is visible; I am as thankful for this providence of his as for any that I ever received. I have told you, years ago, my feelings with regard to their sympathies, their faith, gratitude and thankfulness, and their acknowledgement of the hand of the Lord and of the dispensations of his providence. My soul has been grieved to bleeding, to see the waste, and the prodigal feeling of this people in the use of their bountiful blessings. Many have walked them underfoot, and have been ready to curse God who bestowed them. They wanted gold and silver, instead of wheat and corn, and fine flour, and the best vegetables that ever grew upon the earth. They walked them underfoot, and set at nought the choice blessings of the Lord their God”(DNW, 6 Feb. 1856, 4).

Brother Brigham calls ingratitude the next greatest sin to the unpardonable one of denying the Holy Ghost. Why do you think that is? Do you agree with him? If you believe he was a Prophet, then you ought to, for it is true. We are blessed with so much in this world, most of which we do not acknowledge, but take for granted. We take it for granted until it is taken away from us.

I like how Brother Brigham spoke of the saints' reactions to hard times...
It is true that when things are going well for us, we do take for granted what the Lord has blessed us with, but when things turn sour, we turn to him for help. We expect him to “bail us out” as it were. When we humble ourselves before him, he will always be there to help us. He forgives us again and again and THAT is another thing we ought to be eternally grateful for.

Hard times are coming for us at this time in the world...
Anyone who lived through the '80's can see that the boom is very soon coming to an end. I don't mean to sound like an alarmist, but it's true, and ought we to be afraid? Well, in the words of Brother Brigham, “ I do not apprehend the least danger of starving, for until we eat up the last mule, from the tip of the ear to the end of the fly whipper, I am not afraid of starving to death” So ought to be our attitude about the times to come. We live day to day, and we have been warned from the very beginning to be prepared for emergencies. If we have faith, and rely on the Lord, he will provide for us what we need to get through those times to come. For this, we must be grateful. I am not the least bit afraid of the struggles to come.

That's another thing I'm really grateful for... trials. I've had a few in my young life. More than a few, and what I'm grateful for is the things I have learned from them. I know because of former experiences, that everything – no matter how hard it seems at the time can be conquered and gotten through with the help of my Father in Heaven. He got me through, he helped me to learn from the trials. I could have become embittered, however I didn't because he opened my eyes to understanding. I'm now a better person because of the things he's taught me through my experiences.

I am reminded of the Prophet Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail where he was in the very depths of despair. His friends and family and all of the saints were suffering a great deal far from where he was – feeling helpless and alone in the prision with an ironic name. He cried out to the Lord - “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavillion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?...” The Lord's response to his prayer always softens my heart when I read it... “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes, Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands. Thou art not yet as Job; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they did Job...” then later in the same revelation... “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou , my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”... then comes the sentence that puts it all into persepective for me... “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” Found in D&C 121/122.

It is true, that trials and tribulations in our lives contribute to our growth and our refining process. Often in the gospel we hear this term – the refiner's fire... the refiner's fire is the process in which precious metals are separated from the dross (a mass of solid impurities within the metal). Usually this process consists in the application of great heat, in order to bring the mass into a fluid state. That way, the dross can be separated from the finer metals. My bible dictionary describes Christ as “The Great Refiner”. It describes him many other ways as well, but this is one description that draws my attention at this time. Why would the saviour ask us to go through a process that can be so painful? Mainly because he wants us to have the chance to become more like him. No one can comprehend the suffering he went through for us. Not only on the cross, but the actual mental and emotional, also physical anguish he suffered as he offered his great intercessory prayer for us – each of us – and our sins. He wants us to have a chance to become more like him. Though, not one of us will ever have to suffer what he did, he offers us a chance to grow and be perfected as we go through our refining process. This is what I am most grateful for – of anything I have been blessed with. I am eternally and ever grateful for my Saviour and His great Atonement. For he suffered, so that I do not have to, that I may receive Eternal life and live with him one day. All he requires of us, is our humility and our gratitude. What do you think he meant when he said to Joseph - “ And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high”? To endure it well in this case, I believe is to show the Lord our gratitude, and ever be aware of where our blessings come from. To recognize our own weakness, and dependence on him. For – he is the source of all that we have. I hope each of us can ponder the infinite blessings he has bestowed on us this Thanksgiving weekend and forever.

One last scripture I wish to share with you that comes from King Benjamin's speech in Mosiah 2. King Benjamin was a great king in the Book of Mormon who lived the gospel principles and taught his people to live them. He gathered his people together for one last discourse before he died, and taught many things, this is one of the things he taught them... (Mosiah 2: 19-22)

  19 And behold also, if I, whom ye call your king, who has spent his days in your service, and yet has been in the service of God, do merit any thanks from you, O how you ought to thank your Heavenly King!
  20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice, and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another—
  21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.
  22 And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.

It is true, that what the Lord asks us to do over and over again is to keep his commandments. I feel that this is the best way we can show our gratitude to him. We can thank him verbally in our prayers, and ought to – daily. But, actions always have spoken louder than words, and therefore, the best we can do to show him thanks is to act upon and be obedient to his commandments.

Again, I wish to express to you – my brothers and sisters the importance of gratitude, in truly appreciating where our blessings come from. He is the source, He is the truth, and He is the light. He loves us so very much, and I hope we can all feel that in our hearts daily.

I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen...



So, that was the talk I gave in church today. I hope we can all ponder the meaning of the thanksgiving holiday, and appreciate (as we have been more and more) where our turkey comes from, and where our yams grew, and who provided those blessings. Have a very Happy Thanksgiving. xx

...

P.S., does anybody know where I got this ... from? I've noticed that I'm using the ... alot. I don't know if I did that before, I must have picked that up from someone. I've just noticed, it's everywhere I look. It's weird how I pick things up. I'm going to be totally conscious of it now that I've noticed... - gah there it is again!

This Tuesday the 14th...

Time again, to stand up and be counted as a Canadian Citizen and cast my vote for the candidate I think most suitable to be my MP. It turns out that one of my candidates for MP is also the Prime Minister, so my vote may be an all encompassing one if I so decided to swing my vote in the Conservative Direction. However, I'm not going to talk about what I believe is the best way to vote in this blog, because I believe everybody ought to vote according to their conscience, and I'd rather stay neutral when discussing such an important issue as voting. The problem in this country is that we really don't express our opinion nearly enough. The latest Provincial Election was nothing but heart breaking, as it didn't reflect what Albertans really wanted in my opinion. That's just me - I'm still miserable with the way the Provincial government runs things, heck it's one of the reasons I'm leaving. However, the point I'm trying to make is - that 41% of the voters came out for that one. Pathetic amount of votes. Not even half of the population of Alberta cared enough to cast their ballot. There seems to be a nation wide problem of the same nature. Canadians are feeling somewhat lost in the middle somewhere, the polls swing back and forth, and we've had a minority government for the last 4 years because we really don't know what we want, or perhaps what we want isn't clearly being reflected in the results because not enough of us turn up to do our part. I always vote. Do you know why I always vote? Because if I don't vote, I can't complain, and if I don't vote, I should have no voice in how my country is run because I forfeit my opportunity to do so. I've seen an ad on the train all this week that says... "Just Vote Dammit". I concur whole heartedly. If you're not sure, or if none of the candidates really say anything you agree with, then just choose the one you can tolerate. Seriously, just vote!!! If you don't know where you are to vote or when, then you can find that information here... http://www.elections.ca/content.asp?section=ele&dir=40ge&document=index&lang=e&textonly=false#1

VOTE ON THIS TUESDAY OCTOBER THE 14TH!!! There really is no excuse, I mean - you are legally entitled to time off work to vote. You can leave work early to vote, and if your boss fires you, he/she will be liable. There are advance polls even, I know of 2 friends who have already voted. Seriously - what is keeping you from voting?

There really is no excuse. Also - Canadians - I'm sorry, I am going to express my opinion on this one topic but - the stupid American election campaigning may be really interesting to watch, but - we don't live in the United States. (Thank goodness - no offense American friends) We live in Canada, and how you vote in Canada affects you; not what you watch on CNN or freaking Fox news. We live in Canada. If you love being a Canadian, then you better make being a Canadian count. Vote in your country for your candidates, and forget Barack Obama and Sarah Palin for one day at least please. I really am sick to death of hearing about them.

Right, I've said my piece, but seriously - just vote dammit.

What to do with Winter Squash...

Ok, so even though I had something really big to blog about yesterday, I have something again today, but those who are looking for my big news ought not to look for it in this one, it's in the one below. So, look there...

!!!!!!! I just made the most fantastic Butternut Squash Soup I've ever tasted. Yes, it is a medley of flavor and goodness. To be honest with you, I don't know if I could duplicate it if I tried, because it was all me - roughly following a recipe, and dashing, guessing quantities, etc... My outline was found on epicurious.com. I roughly followed the recipe, but as I said - I messed up on a couple of things, but managed to salvage the soup and make it something - AMAZING!!! I really am not being very modest about the soup - I know, but it's true - amazing. So, roughly, here is what I did...

I bought these 2 lovely Butternut Squash at Community Natural Foods - because I really couldn't resist the lovely squash display they had, and enjoyed the idea of squash filling my soul with the lovely feeling of autumn goodness. I love the autumn, honestly, I think it may be my favorite season. So - there they were, calling my name and I brought them home...



There they were, so I had to find a recipe - found this one on epicurious.com as I said previously. So, I cut them in half - lengthwise, and scooped out the seeds...

They had the most lovely orange color...



Scooped out those lovely seeds, and placed the halves down flat on an oiled baking sheet to bake for 50 minutes. This is what they looked like when they came out - all shiny like that - aren't they beautiful?



So then I skinned the squash with a paring knife - this actually proved a little more difficult than I thought it would be because it was hot and messy. But, the skin itself came off quite easily, and then I cut it into cubes...



So, then came the actual cooking of the soup part - which is where I messed up a little - simply because I didn't read the whole recipe over before beginning, and just dashed and guessed some stuff, anyway, I heated the oil, and added the 2 cups of onions, added the brown sugar and the ginger - which I added quite plentifully - as I'm a huge ginger fan, and really don't think 2 teaspoons is enough. Also, added the garlic (unfortunately all I had was powdered - bleh), and the cinnamon. Again, I didn't have a cinnamon stick, so ended up adding 2 tsp (which turns out to be a lot - haha) of ground cinnamon. If I had read the recipe more closely - I would have seen that the cinnamon stick was to stay in the soup whilst cooking, but then removed later - however, I added the cinnamon powdered. Well, then it made my simmering onions and stuff all dry, so I added more water and a dash more oil. No big deal. How much can you really screw up a squash soup? Hmm? So, then I added the chunks of squash, and the chicken broth...



Brought it to a boil, then let it simmer for 10 minutes. I then blended it to a puree in portions (it produced a monumental amount of soup), and - this is what I ended up with...



It may not look like much, but with a bit of salt - voila - it was possibly the best thing I've ever tasted... Mum and Dad thought so too, they kept coming in the kitchen and saying - good grief something smells good. Mum actually called me a clever girl... (She's in a good mood today) And - honestly - I've impressed myself, and I'm harder on myself than anyone is...

Go - get some winter squash - and experiment for yourself - it is so tasty and full of goodness...

The News...

Ok, here it is then.....

A while back (like 5 or 6 years ago), I toyed with the idea of moving to Scotland. Don't know why Scotland - just always felt drawn there, and I felt a kinship to the people of the country. After all, they're my people. I mean - granted, my people come from all over the UK and Ireland, but for some reason (maybe it's because my name is Scottish) I've always felt closer to the Scots. So, I planned to take a trip there, and did so in 2006. I never really told this to many people, but I wasn't entirely sure I was going to come back from that trip. I was willing to stay, however, I did come home. During the trip, I spent 3 weeks in the city of Dundee. I had an entire month worth of vacation in the country, but spent 3 weeks in this particular city because it was the one in which I was thinking of settling. When I did come back, I was showing my pictures to one of my friends, and she indicated that one of our friends was moving to Scotland - to the very city that I was thinking of. So, I got in touch with this friend, and over the 2 or so years in which he has lived there, I've observed and investigated, poked and prodded him. (my poor guinea pig friend - ;-) - you're so good to me) Anyway, after observing, etc, I feel and have felt some time that the time has come for me to move there. I decided to officially go through with it earlier on in the year, and have taken steps to get there. I sold my car, rearranged my whole budget, have paid a massive amount of my debt off, and am still saving, paying, etc for the actual move. I bought a ticket to fly direct to Glasgow on August 18th with a company called Zoom airlines... Anyone who keeps up with the news will tell you that Zoom went bankrupt on August 28th. So, that presented a challenge for me. It was a bit discouraging for a week or so, but I got my money back, and have purchased a new ticket with a different airline to fly out on December the 10th. May I recommend to all of my friends to ALWAYS buy airfare with your credit cards? Seriously... Yes, I'm moving before Christmas, and yes it's permanent, and yes I can work there (I have dual - you know - British parents), and no I don't have a job lined up. I have faith that I will find work there, and I have a very good friend helping me to look for a place to live - the same one who so graciously allowed me to observe.

So, today, I wrote up my resignation, made a plan with my manager to set the resignation in motion, and then once that was all established, I told all of my co-workers. It felt really really good to get it off my chest, as the news has been official for some time. It is now entirely - world wide - official. I mean - it can't get more official than turning in my notice. It's very much a reality now. It has been, but it's even more real to me now than it was yesterday.

The truth is, there's nothing really holding me back. I'm young (ish), single, and I have my whole life ahead of me. My whole family is quite excited for me - with the exception of one - but she'll just have to get over it. Sometimes I feel like I'm going on a second mission. Perhaps I am in some ways...

Farewell Old Man...

Well, I guess for most of us at the DHCC it feels like the end of an era. I've only been there almost 2 years, but some of our staff have been there for 11, 12, 13 years. Friday was our last day at the Old Colonel Belcher Hospital (or Health on 12th as its currently called) There's one other clinic left there now, and they will be relocating to the Sheldon M. Chumir Centre towards the end of the month. After that, I guess (and what we've heard is) that they're decommissioning the old man. They took down the east wing of the hospital when they started building the SMC building, however, we've been happily using the west wing for quite a while. In fact, I think it is my favorite place - I've ever worked. I like the building (it's quirky, old, and full of stories - and ghosts) though I don't always say I like it - there are days when the temperature is nuts, and has never been normal - either we're hot or cold - no normal temps at the Belcher. I'll miss the location - 12th Ave, and 5th Street - how much better can it get? Restaurants on every corner, tonnes of good places to walk to, shop at, I mean - that's the centre of all the best action for sure... Gosh, I'll miss it. I'll miss my great view of Gerry's 24 hour restaurant. I'll miss reminiscing about the stabbing that happened across from my window. Just kidding - not kidding about the stabbing, just that I'll miss reminiscing about it. I'll even miss my desk.



I'll miss Bill, Stewart, Lori, and all our security staff. I'll miss my wee walk to the Lougheed mansion. I'll even miss Tourette's girl and her daily verbal beatings a little bit. I think she actually missed me a little bit when she didn't see me for a week and exclaimed "oh the B%$@H is back". Ah, how I'll miss that. (I'm being entirely sarcastic in that case - just in case you didn't catch that) But really, I will miss the place terribly. There's few things I really appreciate about Calgary anymore, and the old Belcher is definitely one of them. They're taking him down, just like they take every building in this city down that has any character. There's something wrong with that. But, I'm not going to rant about our wasteful Alberta culture today. No, today, I shall share with you a bit of history about this great building...

This is taken from a page called the Friends of the Colonel Belcher...

Calgary's original Colonel Belcher Hospital opened in 1919 for World War I Veterans. Located in a former warehouse on 8th avenue, the facility was named for Lieutenant Colonel Robert Belcher, a cavalry officer and charter member of the Northwest Mounted Police. After seven years, the hospital united with the Ogden and Sunnyside Veterans' Hospital and moved to a larger location in the same area of Calgary.

With the outbreak of World War II, the hospital moved to its present site on 12th avenue and 4th street SW., which was formerly the Senator Patrick Burns Estate. Ten years later, the hospital was extensively renovated and given a two-wing expansion.

In 1991, the Colonel Belcher was designated a long term care facility exclusively for Canada's World War I, World War II and Korean war Veterans. Today it operates under the auspices of the Calgary Health Region.

So, that's the history of the building, and for a brief summary about our friend the Colonel, I found this on a website about Masonic History Education... (apparently he was a mason - and this would explain the giant lodge on 12th Ave right across from where the old Burns park is)

Colonel Robert Belcher (1849 - 1919)

In Calgary, on 7 June 1919, the Colonel Belcher Hospital was formally opened, to look after soldiers who had been wounded in the first World War. It has continued to serve Alberta for nearly seventy years. Because our country has enjoyed the blessings of peace for several decades, the Hospital has been able to expand its activities beyond war veterans, and is now available to treat other members of the community. It was named for a notable pioneer of the West, a soldier and Freemason, who died just four months before it was opened.

Colonel Robert Belcher was born in London, England, on 23 April 1849. He came to Canada in 1873, and was a charter member of the Mounties. While serving in their ranks he was posted to many parts of the great North West, eventually reaching the rank of Inspector. In 1875 for example he belonged to the party that selected the site on which Fort Calgary was to be built. On 13 September 1880 he married Margaret McLeod of Edmonton, who had arrived there the previous November; she was one of the first white women to settle in the vicinity. Belcher was in charge of a contingent that was sent to preserve order in the Chilkoot Pass at the time of the Yukon Gold Rush (1897 - 1899). During the Boer War he went to South Africa as second-in-command of Lord Strathcona's Horse (1900 - 1902). When he retired from the Mounted Police in 1908, he took a lively interest in promoting public awareness of the militia. In fact, he was the commanding officer of the first militia unit formed in the region, which took the name of the19th Alberta Dragons. During the First World War, at the age of 66, he recruited the 138th Battalion and took it to England. On his return to Canada he was transferred to the Military Hospitals Commission. He died in Calgary on 10 February 1919.

Robert Belcher was initiated into Ancient Freemasonry in Regina, in Wascana Lodge, at that time No. 23 on the Grand Register of Manitoba, on 6 November 1888. In 1894 he became a charter member of North West Mounted Police Lodge, No.61, G.R.M., in Regina, and was its first Master. When the Grand Lodge of Saskatchewan was formed in 1906, the lodge became No. 11 on the new Register, and W. Bro. Belcher was still a member. In 1910, after his retirement from the Mounties, he transferred his membership to Edmonton Lodge, No. 7 on the Grand Register of Alberta, and remained on its rolls for the last ten years of his life. He is buried in Edmonton Cemetery.

So, there you have it, a bit of history about the Old Colonel Belcher, and Colonel Belcher himself - granted - it's been a copy and paste kind of history, but that's better than what I could have come up with myself. The truth is - there's a lot (well a bit anyway) of great history in this province, and we have no idea how all these things got here, and what they were before, and who was here before. Calgary is FAR too big for it's britches now, and I don't like it anymore. It used to have character, and community spirit. It still does have a little, but you have to look close to find it. I know of a few places where you can still find it. However, one of my favorites is now going to be decommissioned. I'll miss you Colonel, and all your friends at the hospital. You'll have to find new haunting grounds now...

Sigh...

Do you ever feel like you have waaay too much to think about? I feel that way lately. Too much to think about, and very little of it can I write about. Sigh. I can write, but it's not the kind of thing you broadcast to the world, you know? Anyway, things lately have been - challenging. I shouldn't be surprised really, considering I am on the verge of a major life change. These sorts of things always happen when life gets to one of those. Now you're all curious about my major life change, well I'm not quite ready to tell everybody in the universe yet, but the only people who really keep up on my blog - probably already know everything about it anyway. However, the details will all come out for everybody in the universe - late next week. So, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, hold your horses. You will soon, and then I'll blog away. I had a really great week-end, and visited some loved ones I haven't seen in a long time. Well, seen, just haven't really spent any quality time with them. Also, I went to the Cardston Temple on Saturday, and enjoyed it very much. For those who don't know much about my religion, the temple is a place where some members of our faith go to receive personal direction, and guidance from God. It's kind of a place set apart from the world, and it's like going on a vacation where it's just you and God. I needed that, and there - I found what I was looking for.



Since then, and since emerging into the real world again, my personal life has become complicated, and I think that the adversity I face is definitely due to the life change I am making. There are those in my immediate acquaintance who do not want me to grow, or change, or live my own life. They never have... Well that's tough beans. I'm moving on, I'm growing, I'm changing, and I'm going to live my life. I know you're all thinking I've become a lesbian or something - rest assured, I've not become a Mormon Lesbian. I'm just doing something I've thought about doing for a very very long time, and frankly, I should have done it a long time ago. However, there is a time for everything, and my time is now. I've had a lot of experiences in my life that have led me to this point, this exodus. I've become a different person than I was before - in many respects - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually (should have mentioned that one first), and perhaps I wasn't ready to move on until now; and that's just what I am doing, regardless of what other people want - so live with it.